In my dreams I see the asphalt in the front of my future house.
It is smooth not marred
by years of being driven over by mack trucks and cars
and I see leaves drift by slowly caught up in
an up draft that carries them by with no definite direction
and every now and again the leaves will drop right in front of my driveway.
I stare out my window and I sip my coffee and
I watch the nuance of life and light play with the shadows and
I inhale and exhale I remember back to the days of the asphalt
my feet used to pound
as I meandered from one experience to the next
wondering if I would ever find rest
and contentment and
what would I do with it once I found it
my heart beat quickened
as I dwelt on a single memory like a vision
of lying in an ice cold bath tub not really understanding
how I got to be there until I hear a voice clarify the situation
'she's dead' he whispered into the phone
so anxiously but not out of worry or love.
More like my dying was an inconvenience for him,
but in my mind I thought 'how do you think I feel?'
The dawn of realization came upon me
as I slowly gained back feeling
in my fingertips and toes and then
I took a deep breath that almost hurt
and I moved a little at a time til the zombie came back alive
and the first words that I spoke
was not to glorify the one who brought me back to life.
I said 'I want to smoke' smoke
as in dope as in ice as in crytal meth.
And as I think on this thought I grow disgusted
at my former arrogance but I force myself to reflect
on what that moment truly meant.
See, yes I should have died that day,
but in reality I was dead anyway.
Slowly life was gently and kindly given to me in increments
as though He knew the light itself was too much for me to handle all at once.
And as I come back to reality
I see the significance of the things around me,
how I am intertwined with this world but even more so with the spirituality
of this life of this universe.
My death could have been a curse,
to die not knowing Him so much worse;
but I was saved, Saved, for a reason.