irrelevant

My words unspoken in my head 

are just as true 

as they're irrelevant

 like my love for you 

remains unrequited- they 

remain unchanged unvoiced and powerless. 

Should I choose to divulge these letters 

and-

 speak out loud is that better than 

remaining silent-

keep the upper hand 

and not reveal what's in my imagination? 

Or take the low road spew out hateful epithets 

to make you falter,

 twisted on this guilt trip 

play the role 

like I'm so 

damn innocent 

tears and sobs my best weapons 

broken hearted manipulation 

strangle your esophagus 

with arguments 

of pettiness and-

 relative emotions 

drowning out all voice of reason. 

When will we realize that both 

curses and blessings come 

just as easy and quick

 as the next second

 its all just a heartbeat reaction

 but they leave lasting impressions 

and scars beneath the surface

 judgment of the surface 

will affect the subcutaneous

 and cut marks and incisions

 to the organs cause 

scars and hardness

 so 

let's agree to judge each other 

with mercy rather than condemnation

Accessory

So what if I wear my heart on my sleeve?
Like a glass house I emulate transparency.
See the color of my sadness the hue of my joy;
 and I say to myself it's okay, let them see, let them judge,
it is okay.
See, what is it to me if they take it or leave it?
The only thing that makes any bit of difference is:
will they hate me for who I am or love me for pretending?
So, here I am in my natural light.

Unwavering, unfaltering, I will preservere in my might.
 My weaknesses so obvious to anyone with eyes
and depth perception that goes slightly deeper than the surface.
Don't be alarmed at my audacity,
when I choose to grit my teeth and bare some things,
 or, crumble and fall at the slightest touch or misspoken word.
I am but a garment, my mind far surpasses
what my abilities encompass
and my spirit will not die or give up
 no matter how hard I sometimes try.
 So, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
How you choose to react to this accessory is your business,
you adorn your life however you choose.
My clothing will remain blood red and alive
and will continue to change and be stained as long as I remain,
in this life, in this body,
me.

Realize It

In my dreams I see the asphalt in the front of my future house.
It is smooth not marred
by years of being driven over by mack trucks and cars
and I see leaves drift by slowly caught up in
an up draft that carries them by with no definite direction
and every now and again the leaves will drop right in front of my driveway.
I stare out my window and I sip my coffee and
I watch the nuance of life and light play with the shadows and
I inhale and exhale I remember back to the days of the asphalt
 my feet used to pound
as I meandered from one experience to the next
wondering if I would ever find rest
and contentment and
what would I do with it once I found it
my heart beat quickened
as I dwelt on a single memory like a vision
of lying in an ice cold bath tub not really understanding
how I got to be there until I hear a voice clarify the situation
'she's dead' he whispered into the phone
so anxiously but not out of worry or love.
More like my dying was an inconvenience for him,
 but in my mind I thought 'how do you think I feel?'
The dawn of realization came upon me
as I slowly gained back feeling
 in my fingertips and toes and then
 I took a deep breath that almost hurt
 and I moved a little at a time til the zombie came back alive
and the first words that I spoke
was not to glorify the one who brought me back to life.
I said 'I want to smoke' smoke
as in dope as in ice as in crytal meth.
And as I think on this thought I grow disgusted
at my former arrogance but I force myself to reflect
 on what that moment truly meant.
See, yes I should have died that day,
 but in reality I was dead anyway.
Slowly life was gently and kindly given to me in increments
 as though He knew the light itself was too much for me to handle all at once.
And as I come back to reality
 I see the significance of the things around me,
how I am intertwined with this world but even more so with the spirituality
 of this life of this universe.
 My death could have been a curse,
 to die not knowing Him so much worse;
 but I was saved, Saved, for a reason.