Just Be You

Just be yourself is the common saying
Like as if I wake up day to day switching masks
With costume changes
Despite my ability to be up or down
It is still MY personality like makeup on a clown
Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else
Some seem to be better at everything I admit it makes me jealous
They even fall more gracefully
They seem to be them unashamedly
and I, me inescapably
When I refuse to do something, It's just because I'm fearful
When I decide to step out I'm a power seeking Jezebel
And I'm like, Whatever I just want to give up
Because what's the use in even trying if my intentions in their heads is all messed up
They say don't live to please others
But if you don't then you are unwanted by your own brothers
Try as I have in the past I just don't fit in any box that I have come across yet.
And people like to point their fingers and jest
Sometimes I felt like nobody was my friend
But then there's her-
Her with the eyes that seek MY approval
Her with the lips that speak joy so Truthful
Her with the voice like a heaven sent angel
Her with the ability to make me stand like I'm the man, okay not really-but
The Head Boss on Campus
Like I never deal with feelings of being inadequate
Mommy is what she calls me
Mommy is the term she utilizes when she recognizes that her abilities at the moment
may not be enough to obtain the thing that she is desiring
And despite her frustration that she can't do all things alone
I smile with glee at her imprecision
Because I reassure her 'Sooner or later, she is going to get it'
and every single attempt is another learned lesson
And when I feel like there is something I am doing wrong as mommy
He comes in and lifts me up readily
Wifey is what he calls me
He doesn't say much- in the way that I do
But I look in his eyes and he gives me this smile like
he's saying 'I believe in you'
He says I am the strongest person he has ever known
But he has carried me through my trials so many times I've lost count
He hangs on to my every word when he feels down
Like he's drawing strength and wisdom from my mouth
He's one of the most respectable, honest and intelligent people I have ever known
And he says he needs me?
And I know that I can never be happy if my identity
is inextricably dependent on these people that depend on me
And so I want to explain that it is not wife, nor mommy that defines me
But my personal characteristics and abilities instead that makes me
so successful and brilliant in my roles as her mommy and his help meet
I am sure that there are innumerable women who can cook better than me
Can clean better than me
Keep a happier attitude when going through personal struggles that bring me to my knees
But none of those awesome women carried my children in their bodice
Nor did they have the honor to walk down the aisle with my husband
Figuratively because we got married in a courthouse office
And there is nothing I would change about us.
Therefore, there is nothing wrong with me.
I am her, I am Crystin, I am wrong, I am right, I am full of indecision at times
While at others I am certain of my actions and full of might
I may not be enough for some, and it's okay.
I was not placed here to please they
I am thankfully, beautifully, inescapably me; anyway.

Unspoken Wars

Red white and blue,

Meaning of the colors still ring true

Ideologies battled over time

Victorious voices, history writes

Brave and courageous

Go forth in battle

Here they use legislation

Over seas methods more tactical

It is impractical to say one size will fit all

Being tactful to an extent is the height of civility

after all-

And yet, 

we lack common sense when we are no longer able

To judge between right and wrong

Our foundation quakes, becomes unstable

But I find it quite laughable

that demons disguised as angels

Dare to tout themselves

As the bringers of truth, justice and morals

Fairness and evil are not compatible

Basing our lives on an economy, collapsible

A world where everyone is jaded and skeptical

Because having faith is just irrational

But the lonely preacher, left unflappable

Voice crying out in the wilderness full of blood-thirsty animals

Light dwindles it seems

in the approaching storm clouds 

On his knees

He cries out to a God

Nobody knows or fears

He says one more day, Just one more day

through his tears.

Like clockwork the sun rises

An entire civilization completely oblivious

To the judgment it could have, probably should have

been faced with 

just the night before

I feel like more people know about who wore what to the Grammy's

And like they refuse to bow down to God

But all idolize and worship celebrities

Come on son, we talking about banning words

For being hurtful

Meanwhile in Africa and Syria

People are trying to gain the freedom to be able to speak

without getting murdered

We are too full of ourselves.

The paradox of freedom

is what most are dying to taste

We fill our head with media laced

with alcohol, drug, sex fueled propaganda 

When's the next celebrity scandal taking place?

Another soul disgraced

Makes our lives seem less mundane or something...

Whatever the case, I take a deep breath

Because tomorrow is an opportunity to try again

Luke 4:18 The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed

Isaiah 61:1
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

Shine

Lord help me to accept that it is not my destiny to shine

but to be the lamp which encases the light

Transparent and fragile at first glance

But strong enough to withstand happenstance

And shine through the darkest of life's circumstance

I want to be the one whose called

out of the many to be a part of the few

Like Gideon's army-full of strength, bravery, virtue

Or like the spies who brought back a good report

about the promised Land-Despite all calls to abort

a God-given mission let me be the one to contort

the illusion of the enemy whose only mission is to thwart 

God's purpose for me

I want to be like Deborah the Prophetess whose name meant 'bee'

Because she stung her enemies with ferocity

and held wisdom which enriched others  

Which was sweeter than honey

I want to be like Joseph and embody forgiveness

I want others all around me to bear witness

that the human condition is weakness

But Christ is strength

I want to have the guts to lay down my desire to be right

My desire to always get the last word in a fight

to get one over on everyone who crosses me

To stop losing ground by making my brother out to be my enemy

I want to relinquish my false sense of hope

Stop greasing my wheels up a slippery slope

Grab hold of what's real, the Truth with true zeal

and leave well enough alone

Be at peace with The One

Word

Somehow in my mind 

I feel I just realized

Just how beautiful, the world is seen by my eyes

It must have always looked like this

But it's like I have a new perspective

Funny things like: roses smell even more like roses

The stars seem to sparkle more
the sky seems bluer
The air never smelled this sweet before
Truth now seems even truer
It's like a new life
Like I was reborn
Old pain is gone
Old burdens shorn

Work

Everything in my life I could ever do right was all wrong
People wonder why others get caught up still singing the same song
It's easy to judge when you only see from one side
Sometimes I wish I could see it from your eyes
What may seem like common sense to you
may be a revelation to me; brand new
We have to be patient with others and know
We're not all at the same level, but on the same boat
We traveling on to hopefully the same destination
Trials and set-backs may turn into preparation
A greater destiny implies greater responsibility
Nothing is denied when there is no impossibility
Hearts of stone become flesh
Eyes your own become enmeshed
With sights never imagined
But realized now nonetheless
What was once hopeless
Abundant faith is now evident
What was once worthless
Has become priceless
I never dared to dream that anyone would be inspired by me
Because all they would aspire to be was a nobody, internally empty-
Now I have a purpose
The place from which I stand shows nothing but Promise
A land in which flows milk and honey
Souls receive forgiveness, grace and mercy
Blind eyes become open
The broken receive restoration
There's hope for those who are still works in progress

The Psychology of Imagery

I am not fooled by what is before me

I know of those who 'LOVE' to see-

Deception does bring joy to these

But I am bothered spiritually

Fools love the psychology of imagery

psychology because it's only in their mind

imagery; only what the outward appears to be

and this can work for-or against but only

for a matter of moments-Have hope

Believe

I know I am imperfect, I have 29.5 years of life to prove it

But I learned recently that

I don't have to live down to the expectations

others have for me because of who

THEY perceive me to be.

Outside, I am a hot mess

Impetuous, emotionally a wreck, I talk too loud

I don't know how to dress

I used to be a street chick

Hang with all the rough necks

Boosting cars was like just something I would do for kicks

But I also have some good qualities like-

I can keep a secret; 

I have a prayer life; 

I know I love my husband

I try my best to be a fully submitted wife.

I put others before myself- 

I don't gossip

-anymore-

No matter how many times I have fallen

I am scrappy I get back up for more

and there has been progress-I am becoming more.

Some of us just take longer.

On the other side,

I know a story where the outward perception

caused a deeply wounded spirit

Because one had an appearance 

of being real-their 'realness' did not hit past the subcutaneous

The less pleasing to the eye and senses

was wrongly judged a liar-

But, God witnessed.

We, you, me, he, she-

get so torn up about 

what we see-how they see me-how can I be perceived more favorably?

We all blank canvases walking around hoping

Someone will notice we have

outstanding qualities.

We get so caught up with false psychology

when we know what we think and feel

can deal deceptively

Yet we rely so strong on childish things

Rather than wonder: 

WHO IS IT THAT THIS ARTIFICIALITY IS GONE PLEASE?

Is He pleased with the way I scorn her in my mind?
Is He pleased if I can fool others into thinking I am living right?
Because no matter what when we turn off the light

the psychological, invisible, makeup which we've so carefully applied

Is no longer visible to anybody but our minds.

Violence

You are not a man based upon how hard you swing your fists
Society got us double minded and twisted
Glorify violence yet shake heads in chagrin
When young men with bright futures and potential
Choose to indulge in the most primal
of instincts instead
The media lauds the rap culture which touts nothing but death and sin
Yet pretends to be offended when another young lady
gets her head beat in-HOWEVER
They ignore her oppression
Turn around and say it's her fault
When her face is dragged all over the asphalt
Another young child
Is raised without his father's presence
Some say no father is better than that father
Anything would be better then him
But
I am of the mind that a man has more potential
than some desire to ever see on him
They become jealous and hold him back
from ever pursuing ascension
from his start from where he came from
he falls prey to the  mindsets of liars and demons
think he is becoming untangled
but really he only becomes more wrangled in his chains
bondage hold tight
as he clenches his eyes
And searches for release through violence-instead
Finds his demise
What part of our minds do we feed
When we heed the voices that only speak death
I serve a God who came to give life
and Life in Abundance
I am not judging out of ignorance-
I know that life
My daddy did the best he could
Hustling was the only thing he ever understood
And I loved him and I still do
But it wasn't as easy or safe when I fell for
Dudes who only knew that life too
Jump from one trip to another
Trying to make a big score
one deal fall through
The only recourse
 from my man's frustrated hands
Was to start all over again with someone else
And wait for history to repeat itself
If I had known then what I know now...
My generational curses became broken somehow
Washed in blood shed for, not by me
A life ripped by violence, laid down for peace
Peace.