Just be yourself is the common saying
Like as if I wake up day to day switching masks
With costume changes
Despite my ability to be up or down
It is still MY personality like makeup on a clown
Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else
Some seem to be better at everything I admit it makes me jealous
They even fall more gracefully
They seem to be them unashamedly
and I, me inescapably
When I refuse to do something, It's just because I'm fearful
When I decide to step out I'm a power seeking Jezebel
And I'm like, Whatever I just want to give up
Because what's the use in even trying if my intentions in their heads is all messed up
They say don't live to please others
But if you don't then you are unwanted by your own brothers
Try as I have in the past I just don't fit in any box that I have come across yet.
And people like to point their fingers and jest
Sometimes I felt like nobody was my friend
But then there's her-
Her with the eyes that seek MY approval
Her with the lips that speak joy so Truthful
Her with the voice like a heaven sent angel
Her with the ability to make me stand like I'm the man, okay not really-but
The Head Boss on Campus
Like I never deal with feelings of being inadequate
Mommy is what she calls me
Mommy is the term she utilizes when she recognizes that her abilities at the moment
may not be enough to obtain the thing that she is desiring
And despite her frustration that she can't do all things alone
I smile with glee at her imprecision
Because I reassure her 'Sooner or later, she is going to get it'
and every single attempt is another learned lesson
And when I feel like there is something I am doing wrong as mommy
He comes in and lifts me up readily
Wifey is what he calls me
He doesn't say much- in the way that I do
But I look in his eyes and he gives me this smile like
he's saying 'I believe in you'
He says I am the strongest person he has ever known
But he has carried me through my trials so many times I've lost count
He hangs on to my every word when he feels down
Like he's drawing strength and wisdom from my mouth
He's one of the most respectable, honest and intelligent people I have ever known
And he says he needs me?
And I know that I can never be happy if my identity
is inextricably dependent on these people that depend on me
And so I want to explain that it is not wife, nor mommy that defines me
But my personal characteristics and abilities instead that makes me
so successful and brilliant in my roles as her mommy and his help meet
I am sure that there are innumerable women who can cook better than me
Can clean better than me
Keep a happier attitude when going through personal struggles that bring me to my knees
But none of those awesome women carried my children in their bodice
Nor did they have the honor to walk down the aisle with my husband
Figuratively because we got married in a courthouse office
And there is nothing I would change about us.
Therefore, there is nothing wrong with me.
I am her, I am Crystin, I am wrong, I am right, I am full of indecision at times
While at others I am certain of my actions and full of might
I may not be enough for some, and it's okay.
I was not placed here to please they
I am thankfully, beautifully, inescapably me; anyway.